Kelly Reichardt knows how to fucking work.
Kelly Reichardt knows how to fucking work.
When people describe themselves as fountains or running water or something that needs to be released or put to spurting or any other of the many references to a need and for that need to feel like water god we can be an hilarious breed. I’m a fountain. Probably drained by morning. The longest week of pure strain that puts new feelings inside you and you really do get along ok alone. Every goal is personal and you begin to define yourself in very quiet ways. I am close to achieving some quiet things. Before the big turn. I like leaving rooms knowing I was the last to leave them and I’ll be the first to fill them again. I left the room and on my way in sat across from a beautiful lady holding a box I was too careful not to look inside of. I’ve been listening to a lot of country music lately. It will be good for summer. It puts a goofy step in you like good dance music does. Makes you feel like a character or a confident version of yourself. Their dog always licks my jeans. He was quiet tonight and had just come back from the vet. I like the way he will come to me first when we enter a room as a group. I’m new and it is a spark from such an old thing. Jen and I take smokes out in the back while Jon waits for us to do that. We talk about the wedding. I’ve seen so much music in the room that they will wed in. Things I will probably never forget. It will be good to be in there for this reason. Maybe that is the best place in Brisbane to me. Like ritual we pulled out the portraits Jon’s Dad has taken to drawing. It makes us laugh like nothing else. Jen looks like the conjuring and Jon looks like a friendly children’s performer. He sings rhymes about the country and made up animals that get the kids going. The pup starts breathing the heavy breath of sleep and I head out. I expected to be alone but got the familiar face and call out as soon as I stepped in. A brief talk that was useless under the sound of the bar and the terrible music on the speakers. Separating I went downstairs to watch the delay. Everything pushed back. An old face from that most perfect place I mentioned back in Brisbane. Ian (No Anchor, Black Pines, Shaking Hell) a few steps off. I introduced myself and we were familiar and we talked about those people we knew and I think we both love them the same. We always end up in the same rooms. They play and it is a noise I can move to so I do that the way I do it. On my way out I see Natasha’s beautiful face and it is one that will always make me feel warm and good and luck allowed me to share a smoke with her before leaving. I remember running drunk home this way and it takes a bit away from me to think about that so I acknowledge that I am walking now and I have all my thoughts with me and that I like most of them. The country music sounds different on the way back. Jerseys on either side. I turn it down self consciously and wait till I’m back in that room I left before turning it up again.
In commemoration of the ageing of this blog website I aim to leave it. There was one before this and I don’t think there will be another. I can’t believe the people I have met by way of this thing, and I think you’re all close enough in life now that you won’t be lost. An effort to commit to paper and think harder about what I say and then what I do. To hopefully have a better perspective on my useless nothing creations and to make them better. Or prettier. Honesty is a fallout word but maybe also more honest. This is the last survivor of the nostromo, signing off.
A friend just sent me this beautiful photo from an apparent extra show tonight at DARK MOFO))) it is like a playground for sadomasochists
I reckon that a lot of people who write things down feel really great when they can tell you all of these details. They’ll put all these years in and you have to know what date it is and it is always fucked if I know why. I never remember past the next page what date they want me to remember anyway. I’ll be walking down a street and not know what its called so if you ask me for directions you’ll be fucked because I’m just pointing. So I’m just gonna tell you what I remember.I gotta say we’re headed in through a hikers trail to a river that takes us right down on its own water to a wall climb I’m not gonna do. Fuck you can stomp the crickets quiet if you know what ground they’re under but not these idiots. I know one of ‘em from a few weeks ago when he chased a stranger out of a party we should have stopped. Ended up putting my foot into him later when we got talking too much about something I don’t remember. Didn’t shut him up. Just put him harder on top of me and everyone else says I’m wrong to kick and that I should have punched first and I woke up with shit all over me and waking up after everything else is hard enough. I just want to get down that river. Lauren had to piss just before because we had beers on the drive in and her bladders out. I’ll always poke her about it because its funny as shit but also because I reckon I wanna end it. I dunno. Shes got this hat on that makes her head look like Jupiter or one of them, with those rings, and i could see it move about behind the tree as she pissed. I came up behind it and whispered dumb shit about killin’ her or something and she couldn’t get up to get mad because she was still pissing and I’m laughing. It’s fucked how I hate her when we have to pull over or when she’s gotta hold the hat down because its too windy but when I’m on her like this and she just gets up and puts my waist into her after i fucking love her. I dunno. We stopped before to smoke and share a beer between us and I walked off a bit just to see if I could see how far we had to the river. Took me back to school when you’d jump off the fortress thing just a bit too high and you didn’t know if you should have half way down and your legs got stiff. You came down and the wind went from you and you thought you were gonna die while everyone’s laughing. I walked not very far from everyone and came off a rock like a slither of shit after a two day fast. I felt how long it took to come down so it wasn’t short. And just like it used to the wind came out of me. No one was around and you can’t make any noise when you’re like that. Nothing that will count. It got so bad I thought it would have been better if I landed upside down. I was pushing my cheek into a sharp rock under me thinking I could turn the breathing back on by hurting myself somewhere else. No one was laughing this time or anything else. When I gave up and was ready I felt the air catch in slips that got longer. I got embarrassed when I heard the rest in the distance still fucking about not caring where I was. Funny how you can get like that with people you don’t like. ‘Cept Lauren. I’m glad she didn’t see. But I shut up for a second and took my cheek off the rock. Looking up was like them toys where you twist them and they make little acid trips or whatever. I mean I wouldn’t say that to anyone but that’s what it looked like then. I started to feel real good. They reckon when you get a shock its like drugs but I reckon I was just thrilled to shit to be away. Didn’t feel like I was anywhere. I could hear everything and I wanted to do one hundred things at once. I wanted to call Lauren over and make her lie down with me straight away but at the same time I wanted to put off seeing her because I knew it’d feel so good. I wanted to get up and keep walking off without the rest and get down the river on my own. I wanted to hide and take the car back myself and jam the fuckers in here and hope they land the wrong way up. I wanted to jack off even if you’re so into details like all the rest. I just shut the fuck up until one of ‘em noticed and shouted. I let ‘em do it a few times and I got up so they wouldn’t see me and think I messed up. They came walkin’ over and I asked ‘em for a beer and the fuckwit I kicked smirked. Lauren came through with it on a third full bottle and handed me her fag. I kissed her before suckin’ on it.
She let out a grunt as I scratched under her neck and in her scruff
A fever and cold sweat for two days with a perpetual sinking in and out of sleep and you’ll be told the worst things when you’re least able to take them in.